Fresh Start

When I started this blog in 2009 it was about sharing my creations and my enthusiasm for scrapbooking as a craft and hobby. Last summer my life turned upside down, and I abandoned the blog and crafting for the most part. My personal life and my marriage required all my attention. Things happen. They are no one's fault and everybody's fault. Mistakes were made. Feelings hurt. If you know me or have met me in the past 12 months, chances are you know something about it. Of course I have regrets, but we do what we do because we feel a need to protect ourselves. Sometimes to stop the pain, sometimes for love.

Establishing a new life for myself and my son has taken most of my energy since last fall. New home, my own routines, my own habits. I think "you've already done this once. it's not supposed to be like this." There is a sense of loss that I've been carrying around with me for so long. Loss of self, loss of home, loss of love, loss of life. Because of this decision I made, nearly everything in my life is different than it was one year ago. Many of the people and things that were so fundamental to me are gone. Often I ask myself "now what?"

How do I know its been a year? Because Shane turned three last month. I can hardly believe my eyes. My baby is a little boy.

Here we are on his 2nd birthday. Mother and son blowing out the candles.

I've no idea what I wished for. I hope it was peace.

Here are a few layouts I've done since the beginning of 2011. This one is from the Disney Cruise we took last summer. The layout was done for a recent My Mind's Eye blog sketch challenge.

This is a layout for EMI Scrapbooking. The pictures are Shane and my brother hanging out. The paper line is Pink Paislee Hometown Summer. The title card is from Fancy Pants Rusted Sun.

This is my son and his favorite school teacher. I love that he's getting to the age where school is a fun part of his life. The paper is Crate Paper School Spirt with some October Afternoon Report Card accents.

I'm not a photographer. Adam always did that. He's not here anymore. When you don't have a partner anymore, you wonder "who will care about taking a picture of me?" If I want to capture memories of my child, my friends, my family, I have to do it. How do I capture memories of myself? Standing in front of a mirror with a camera seems staged. I recognize the importance in capturing everyday moments. I struggle with the frivolousness of photographing food I eat or random objects and occurrences. I need to get better at photographing the things in which I find beauty. Maybe if I make a conscious effort to look for them I'll see more.

Redefining myself means I redefine my creativity and if I'm going to share my creative work, then this blog will change too. I've always struggled with scrapping my feelings. To me, scrapbooking is about preserving happy family memories. It's easiest for me to scrap about my son because he's nearly always happy. He's always changing, discovering new things, and finding joy in them. His innocence is something to be coveted. Little does he know the more you learn the more difficult things become. What do you scrap when you're not happy? When your family unit no longer exists? When you'd rather forget than remember? When life is an uncertainty? I don't know.

Thank you for reading and I hope to make my updates here more frequent. There are many women in similar situations to me in the scrapbooking community. I hope I can inspire and support them through my stores and creativity. I promise to share some more introspective work in the future.


Gemma said...

So glad to hear you are getting through everything. Life does like to throw challenges at us, but dealing with them is what makes us stronger.
Looking forward to seeing more of your beautiful projects in future.